"thoughts under the stars"

foreword: this was written in my livejournal on 30 May 2008. the beginning was sort of a rant and rave about

my life and how i wasn't happy and blah blah blah. i didn't post that part because i realize that i was being

ridiculous, ha. i have it good. anyways, on this particular night i was sitting outside of my apartment in Sydney

reminiscing about my life and how worthless i thought i was. maybe it was the endless supply of stars, or the fall chill, or maybe it was just the Holy Spirit. but i felt worth something. it was sort of an infinite feeling. so yeah, maybe...hopefully, you'll feel it too.

[POST]

...realizing that people do love; that i have loved; that people love me; that God loves me. that He made this night sky for me. He placed every star in its place for me. that He paints sunrises and sunsets and clouds for me. that He created the beach because He knew i would love it so much and delight in it. He created palm trees because He knew i would think they are beautiful...the list is endless...

all of this time i have rejected these truths because i thought i was being selfish. why would GOD create ANYTHING for me? why would He take time out to paint the sky for me? why would He even take the chance to love me? i've been stuck in self-pity for so long. i want to break these rusty chains and be free; left without a scratch...left with only the future ahead of me...a future of love for GOD, OTHERS, and importantly, MYSELF.

but i need to stop feeling like i'm being selfish; because i am not. these are big truths. i need to stop thinking i'm not worthy of love or any affection because God created me to love me and to watch me love.
its time...i need to accept God's love; and in return...i need to give it to others.

i need to accept who He is and believe He is going to change my mind, heart and life.
i am starting to read matthew and really take it in because i'm sick of being a hypocrite and for being fake about my "sweet Jesus" who i don't even know. i want to know Him now. i'm more than ready.

anyways, this excited me....really excited me.
"The main character in this drama will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out." --matthew 3:12

it's not all up to me. God wants to start something in me and He promises to. 
i am not alone and never have been and i never will be, either....woah.
God is good for that fact alone...but that is only the beginning.

IGNITE ME, LORD.
LET ME DECREASE SO THAT YOU CAN INCREASE.
I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE ANYMORE.
TAKE ME AWAY WITH YOU.